Backlabels of wine can sometimes be so misleading and it has some of the silliest and most unhelpful winespeak.

Why do people use such strange and bizarre descriptions and what do they mean by them? Are they helpful in any way shape or form for the average drinking Joe or Josephine in the street or is it just one more example of how wine folk try and separate themselves from the common herd?

Some of the silliest and most unhelpful winespeak is found on the back of the bottles themselves. I will concede that it can be tricky to convey the right information to your customers in the very small amount of space available, but why do so many winemakers waste this sales opportunity by writing useless and irrelevant rubbish? I have been conducting a little research with the contents of my fridge and a large retailer’s shelf and now, would like to offer my top five Back Label Blah Blah Blahs which, in my opinion, could be omitted with no harm whatsoever to the wine.

1. The ‘So what?’ description. Phrases that come under this heading include ‘Perfectly manicured vineyards’, ‘This winery is privately-owned’ and ‘the winemaker is meticulously detailed in his approach.’ Well whoopee do – for the amount of money I am paying, I certainly hope he is, but does any of this have any real relevance for what is going to end up in my glass? No, I don’t think so.

2. The ‘Blind ‘em with science’ description. Here we’re looking at things such as ‘The vineyard is not irrigated’, ‘low-yielding old bushvines’ and ‘maturation on the lees’. I’m not saying that this isn’t interesting if you know something about wine – the problem is that all these phrases were found on inexpensive, everyday wines and to the lay person, these mean absolutely nothing. These may be great features of your wine, but if you don’t say how these sorts of thing benefit the consumer, they are a waste of space.

3. The ‘Euphemistic’ description. As we all know, wine is a business and sometimes you need to do whatever it takes to make a wine sell. My advice is to be wary of any red wine which describes itself as ‘needing food’ because what they really mean is ‘dry, tannic and tough as old boots’. Hey, sue me, but you know I’m right.

4. The ‘Keep ‘em guessing’ description. Many people have an irrational prejudice against oaked white wines – how much longer can teeth-searingly, acidic Sauvignons rule the roost I wonder? No matter, the result has been that many Chenins and Chardonnays try and disguise the fact that they are wooded wines. So here is my shortlist of words which generally mean oak, even if the rest of the label doesn’t say it – ‘buttery, golden, toasty, rich, honeyed, brioche, baked, caramalised, toffee.’ Happy guessing.

5. The ‘Cover all the bases’ description. ‘Serve with seared tuna, smoked salmon, chicken, crayfish, creamy pasta dishes, grilled fish, artichokes, seafood risotto, oysters, white meats or parma ham’. Yep – think that about does it.

Versus Wines has a really unconventional backlabel. It looks quite normal but if you look closer and even read the backlabel you will know what I mean.

Here is the back label of some of the Versus Wines.

Source: wine.co.za